There's a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They're fucking retarded.So without further bullshit...50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.
1."I just had my hair done"-Giving me a blow job won't mess your hair up at all.
2."I don't feel good."-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.
3."I don't want to get pregnant."-You can't get pregnant from a little anal.
4."Don't you respect me?"-I'll do more than respect you if you'll spread em.
5."No."-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.
6."I want my first time to be special."-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that'll suit you.
7."I want to wait until I'm married."-Good one,married couples don't fuck.
8."I'm not attracted to you like that."-Would you like another beer?
9."I don't want an STD"-Trust me,I don't have a green dick.
10."Go to hell"-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you'll take me there.
11."I have to take a shower."-Awesome,you know how to have fun.
12."My mother would kill me."-Fine,I'll bang her too so she don't get jealous.
13."I have a boyfriend,he'll be mad."-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.
14."If you loved me you'd wait until I was ready."-No,if you loved me you'd do anything for me.
15."We can have fun without having sex."-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don't stop me from playing it.
16."This isn't the right place."-Ok,my house isn't far away.
17."I have things to do."-Yeah...I'm waiting.
18."I have a headache."-I have Advil.I'll be ready in about 20 minutes.
19."Isn't this a bad place to do it?"-Now what's wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?
20."My car needs washed."-Oh good,I've never had sex in an automatic car wash before.
21."I'd feel slutty"-So,you probably should.
22."I'm tired."-Ok,get a power nap and I'll watch TV till you get back.
23."I have to take my clothes to the laundromat."Well aren't you going to need something fun to do while they wash?
24."I'm meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go."-Hmm...are your friends attractive?
25."Sorry bye!*leaves*"-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.
26."Sorry I'm meeting the Epic tonight."-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.
27."I would much rather go out for dinner."-Ok,how about after that?
28."Can't we do something else?"-Yes,but that's not the point.
29."My favorite TV show is on."-You have Tivo bitch.
30."I'm hunrgy."-How about eating a really big wiener?
31."I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age."-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.
32."There's a good movie playing tonight."-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.
33."No I hate you."-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.
34."I'm not in the mood."-Would you like a beer?
35."Mommy,the strange man is scaring me."-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.
36."I'm late for work."-Well since you're already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.
37."What do you think I am,some cheap slut?"-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?
38."I just took a shower."-But I bet you didn't take a golden shower.
39."I appriciate dinner,but that doesn't mean I'll have sex with you."-Waiter,seperate checks please.
40."Hold on,I have a phone call."-That's why they invented voicemail.
41."Aren't you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?"-How'd you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?
42."I'm a nun."-(Ok,why you'd hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)
43."It's that time of the month."-...god damn it.
44."I'm old enough to be your grandmother."-But you're not my grandmother so it's all good.
45."What if my daughter walks in?"-I'm thinking we can keep this all in the family.
46."Those people will be able to see us."-Oh,an audience.
47."I don't want you to think I'm easy."-I don't care if you are,you're making my penis hard.
48."Lets go golfing instead."-If we get lost in the wood I'll let you wash my balls.(I can't turn down a round of golf.)
49."All you men care about is sex."-That's right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don't you love me?
50."I'm lesbien."-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.
There you are.50 ways you'll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don't know yet.
About the Author
The Epic is the owner of a personal site called the Epic Zone.You can visit by going to theepiczone.com.Feel free to use this article on a site or in a newsletter,but make sure to link to theepiczone.com and give proper credit.You can contact The Epic at email@example.com
THE MERITS OF MISCHIEVOUS MIND-CANDY
Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2005. THE MERITS OF MISCHIEVOUS MIND-CANDY -- Or, how to improve one's vapid vocabulary -- In the fast-food, fast-track, and fast-lane of life, thereís precious little time for words any more which is bad news for...
The Fine Line Between Strategy And Luck: Pro Battleship Tour
I've covered the U.S. Professional Battleship Tour since its beginning in February 2005. I know that's not a lot of time for this sport, but believe you me, I can't think of a more backbreaking or grueling sport to watch, cover or think about. What...
Women Own Weddings!
This week weíre going to cover the subject of weddings from the manís point of view.... Thatís right, this week weíre gonna cover weddings from the manís point of view. And why not? Itís June, right? The big wedding month? Well, okay then, letís...
Very Precise Fortune Cookies
Very Precise Fortune Cookies By David Leonhardt I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little slip of paper on the inside. Immediately I realized that it had been written by a weather forecaster. "You will be approached in the late...
Itíll Feel Better When It Quits Hurting
Let me give you some advice putting together a swing set takes more then one person. That is unless you enjoy suffering aches and pains in muscles you did not even know you had. My wife told me to get some help but I assured her by the pictures in...