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Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2005 -- CASHING IN ON CANOODLING!-- ...Hmmm…is love really in the air ...or am I just running on fumes from my old jalopy? - By Theolonius McTavish, a patently absurd roving reporter with oodles of time on his hands...
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No Stars for the Eclipse

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One weathercaster called it a “must-see light and shadow show by the Old Master Himself,” but I can’t say this last solar eclipse was worthy of the recommendation. Not even total, and staged (in my location anyway) behind a thick cloud cover that served only to diffuse the vivid contrasts essential to any dramatic effect, the “Old Master” might have been faxing it in from deep space somewhere for all the incandescence it could claim. Quite frankly, as light shows go, I thought more interesting work was being done at the Electric Circus back in the '60s.

Now let’s please not have any misunderstandings. I’m aware that I’m criticizing the performance of a venerable figure who, over the eons and in every conceivable form and category, has compiled an impressive oeuvre. If I have to confess that a lot of His stuff is not to my taste, that I find much of it heavy-handed or impenetrable (when, indeed, it is not distracted and slack), this doesn’t mean I’ve failed to recognize the enormous contribution He’s made.

I’m thinking, of course, of the models some of His stunning manipulations of the more volatile natural elements provided for the Irwin Allen disaster films. And, to be sure, there’s His introduction of death itself which, brilliantly counterbalancing His earlier invention of genders and sex, forestalled the unwieldy prospect of twenty-thousand expansion teams in just the American League East (and, say, the 2005 playoffs extending well into the 2020 season). But that’s hardly been the limit of this remarkable innovation’s reach and impact. In its absence, "Scream 2," which everyone agrees was even better than "Scream," would doubtless have languished in perpetual turnaround since filmgoers would have found the emotions of fear and panic depicted in the original much too weird and elusive for a sequel to ever be greenlighted.

What’s more, we can be reasonably certain that the popular denouement of the “happy ending”—the product of an inevitable backlash—would never have been developed.

So while it’s often, for me, like feeling obliged to respect whatever that was that Marcel Marceau used to do, even as you knew that one more minute of it and your lungs were going to erupt with blood, I’m more than prepared to honor the “Old Master’s” achievements. It’s just that I’m not what you’d call a huge fan. What puts me off most is...well...it’s His LORDLY attitude. I could forgive Him a lot—yes, even those tedious revivals of His wind-and-water specials that take out half a state—were He less disdainful of His audience, less willfully opaque and ambiguous. I know this “mysterious ways” thing is a cornerstone of His persona and I can understand His reluctance to give it up. But, bordering on the pathological, His aversion to making His meanings known is wearing a little thin, don’t you think?

I’ll allow that, however disappointing it may be, it’s ultimately of small consequence when He mounts a shoddy eclipse. But it’s something else again when, for one especially egregious example, He leaves you to blow out all your circuits trying to figure just where Hannity and Colmes fit into the notion that if you’re on the planet it’s for a reason.

About the Author

Former contributor to The Village Voice and Rolling Stone. Coauthor and coeditor, respectively, of two collections of essays about rock and jazz in the '60s: "Music & Politics" and "Giants of Black Music."


More Reading:

Sahib and His Universal Relations

Top 10 Things to make your next company meeting more exciting Part 2

WWJV whom would Jesus vote for

The Beginnings of Medicine via the Back Passage

Itll Feel Better When It Quits Hurting

Quotes and Sayings Colloquialisms Part 1




Emotional and Practical Efficiency

Sahib and His Universal Relations
1. Sahib is English (The Master) 2. Sahib’s Godfather - German (The Anglo-Saxon Connection) 3. Sahib’s Friend - American (As they often go out together to drop bombs) 4. Sahib’s rival-cum-enemy - French (Whom Sahib’s the most jealous with) 5....
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Top 10 Things to make your next company meeting more exciting Part 2
Top 10 Things to make your next company meeting more exciting Part 2 10. Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up and apologize profusely. 9. Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the...
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WWJV" — whom would Jesus vote for?
My favorite novel, as a young person, was In His Steps, written by Charles Sheldon. The premise of this novel is simple. A group of people in the church made a spiritual pact that before doing or saying anything they would preface it by asking the...
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The Beginnings of Medicine, via the Back Passage.
Hello, Mick here. When I should have been in short pants, but didn’t have any, medicine was hardly a tonic. The nearest comparable thing to modern medicine was a type of Acupuncture The most noticeable difference between it then, and now, is...
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It’ll Feel Better When It Quits Hurting
Let me give you some advice putting together a swing set takes more then one person. That is unless you enjoy suffering aches and pains in muscles you did not even know you had. My wife told me to get some help but I assured her by the pictures in...
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