1. You’re eavesdropping and you hear your boss has reservations at his favorite restaurant. You know, the one you can’t afford. Call them back and cancel his reservations – say you’re his wife.
2. Have a friend of yours make an anonymous call to your boss saying that they know what he has been up to, possess incriminating pictures, and hang up. It will scare the bejesus out of him.
3. Put chocolate ex-lax in your manager’s chocolate licorice. Not only will you feel better, it may wipe that constipated look off of his face too.
4. Call the local Mormon or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints church and ask that they visit your house soon, only give them your manager’s home address.
5. Every time your boss asks you a question, just look at him and say “interesting” and go back to what you were working on.
6. Take your eyeliner and smears it in his chair when he’s not looking. His wife will feel needed when she has to heartily scrub and wash his pants.
7. Turn the pictures on his desk upside down and act overly sweet and innocent when he asks if you know why they are like that.
8. When your boss goes to the bathroom, turn his computer off. When he asks you if you know what happened, say that you don’t and it must have just crashed or something. Smile like the Cheshire cat.
9. Enlist a friend to deliver papers appearing to be legal documents that insinuate he is being sued for 4 million dollars. Put word “joke” on the last page of the 20-page document. It will be fun to watch beads of sweat form on his brow.
10. Remove all toilet paper from the men’s bathroom and put it in the women’s. Shake your head in disapproval of the janitorial help in your office when your boss complains about it.
11. Put your boss on all of the mailing lists of his most detested organizations and clubs. When he asks you to call and have them remove him from the lists, say of course, and never do it.
12. Replace the vodka in the liquor cabinet with water. You’re doing him a favor, really you are. When he comments that his vodka tastes like water, respond smartly by saying that it appears that just about everyone is cutting corners these days.
13. When he comments that the coffee is too weak or too strong, ask, in a serious tone, if he is sure that his taste buds haven’t changed.
14. When your boss mentions a particular food that he does not like, purchase that item repeatedly and eat it in front of him. Put your garbage from that food into his garbage can, so that the smell will linger in his office.
15. When you arrive late, move all clocks back. When you want to leave early, move all clocks forward. Pretend that all the batteries need to be replaced.
16. When your boss inquires about your weekend, say you went sky diving and to Italy. He will hopefully get your sarcasm and not ask again.
17. When your manager inquires as to what your favorite TV show is, reply that it is a child’s show like Sesame Street. Say it like you mean it.
18. Out of the blue, say you have an emergency appointment with your astrologer and it is important that you leave now because your charts are waiting!
19. For your manager’s birthday, hire a palm reader to read your manager’s palm. Pay them an extra $50 to say “Oh My” in the middle of the reading and not be able to continue.
20. Grind up leaves from your backyard that look like pot, put into a baggie, and send it to your boss. Stand there while he opens it and gasp when the contents are revealed. Say “it is none of my business” and walk out of the room.
21. Call the fire department and pretend you are in the office next door to yours and exclaim there is a massive inferno in the building next to yours. It is guaranteed to raise your manager’s blood pressure a few points or more when the firemen arrive.
22. Time your manager when he goes out to run personal errands and comment that he took an exceptionally long break when he returns.
23. Run into the office exclaiming to your manager that his car has a huge dent in the side! Walk outside with him when he goes out to examine it. After he looks it over thoroughly and asks you what you saw because he can’t see it, apologize that it must have just been the way the light was reflecting on it that made it appear that way.
24. Exclaim how sorry you are that your manager’s grandmother died over the weekend and that you read about it in the obituaries. Declare that it must have been somebody with the same name when he says he has no idea what you are talking about and begins frantically dialing his grandmother.
25. Superglue two middle pages of your manager’s favorite book and return to the shelf. He will find it after the glue has permanently set.
26. When you are simply not in the mood to get out of your chair, proclaim that the copier is broken when your boss asks for copies to be made. If your manager attempts to make copies on his own and exclaims it works just fine, jam a paper clip in the innards of the copy machine when nobody is looking.
27. When your boss asks you what you would like for secretaries’ day, first of all, reply that you are not a secretary. Request that he answers the phone on that day as well as having all of your whims fulfilled that are of inconceivable proportions.
28. Using desktop publishing, relabel a can of bug spray as vanilla air freshener and place in men’s bathroom.
29. Call in sick and leave a message on the company’s voice mail. State that you are ill due to the overwhelming imbalance of wealth and power within the company’s structure and your illness should subside once you are paid what you are worth.
30. When your boss asks for a donation to his son’s little league fund, ask what the minimum amount is that you can donate in order to keep your job.
31. When your boss invites you to the company Christmas party, matter-of-factly state that you’d prefer to spend it with rabid dogs and wild monkeys, but proclaim your sincere thanks just the same.
32. Stockpile in your office your manager’s favorite type of pen so that he is constantly bewildered as to where they are disappearing and continues to order new boxes of pens repeatedly.
33. During your yearly review, exclaim that you would just like to discuss your raise and not your manager’s suggestions or comments. Also, add that you do have a list of improvements for him that you’d like to share.
34. Find boss’s buttons and push them. If it is his weight, ask if he has gained weight or do those clothes just make him look fat?
35. Announce at the next company birthday (cake eating in the lunchroom) that the boss is giving everyone a 10% raise. When your manager pulls you into his office to discuss this, say that he sure is losing his sense of humor in his old age.
36. Stack all incoming unwanted sales related faxes and printed e-mails on your manager’s desk and connect all sales related calls to him, especially the stock brokers. When your manager comments that he would like you to screen all sales related material and calls, comment that you thought he was open to new ideas and new people and didn’t realize he was so introverted.
37. After next company announcement of a marriage or pregnancy, proclaim that you are getting married and having a child, but not necessarily in that order.
38. When company phone bill gets passed around asking you to highlight your personal calls, always state that you would never do that and never highlight anything. Say your family and friends all reside in Tasmania.
39. As soon as your boss returns from a vacation, ask where he went and always state that you vacationed there a few years ago and how fantastic it was.
40. Five minutes into the weekly company meeting, excuse yourself to go to the restroom and return twenty minutes later when it is wrapping up.
41. When the boss is out of town, forward the phones to your house and take a nap. Run back to the office if something needs to be done.
42. Position a cup of coffee on your manager’s desk so that when he sits down, you can pretend to fumble for papers on his desk and easily knock it onto his lap. State that you hope it isn’t hot and that no third degree burns are inflicted.
43. If you are single, place your grandmother’s antique diamond ring on your married finger on the left hand. When boss asks you if anything new has happened to you recently after he clearly notices your ring, state nonchalantly “no, not really.” If you are married, remove your wedding ring and state the same answer when asked the same question.
44. On casual dress day, wear a bathing suit top and the shortest shorts that you own. When you are called into your boss’s office to discuss this, ask for a list that defines the parameters of the casual dress day code.
45. Circulate an anonymous memo that this coming Friday is fetish day so dress appropriately. Add that a $100 prize will be awarded to the freakiest costume.
46. After your boss gives you an overwhelmingly long list of items for you to complete, ask if he’d like for you to wipe his ass as well.
47. Take items out of your manager’s sack lunch. When he comments on this phenomenon, reply that society is degenerating at an unbelievable rate.
48. When you manager asks you how your day is going, be honest. Say, well, if people that worked for this company weren’t so dysfunctional and psychotic, it might be a marginally average place of employment.
49. When your boss says “good morning”, quickly reply, “Oh is it?”
50. Once a week, send an anonymous email to your boss that is spiteful in nature. To kick it off, the first one should simply read, “you are pond scum.”
Owner www.spiritwhole.com, graduate University of Washington, poet, animal lover.